Advance Copy of President Trump’s G.O.P. Gettysburg Address
“Donald Trump said on Monday that he is considering accepting the Republican presidential nomination later this month with a speech at the civil war battlefield of Gettysburg, one of the most hallowed spots in American history.” — The Guardian, August 10, 2020
My fellow Americans,
Lots of years ago — more than 150, some people say — the great Republican President Abe Lincoln gave a terrific speech right here in the great state of Pennsylvania, a wonderful state that I won in 2016, he was celebrating a big Union win in the war between the states. And we’re going to win here again in November! Fracking! Yay!
Pennsylvania. The civil war? Who knew? I was taught in school that the civil war battles were in the South, where we have all of those beautiful statues of great American heroes the Democrats want to tear down. But now we are finally told by the fake media that there was a big battle here, and Lincoln gave one of his greatest hits right where I’m standing.
He’d have been proud of me. And I’m proud of him, even though, as most Republicans think, I’m a greater president than old Abe, and I won’t say they’re wrong. Anyway, he was pretty great for his time. If the sculpture people decide it’s too crowded for both of us on Mount Rushmore, I’m sure he’ll be smiling down from heaven when he sees them putting my face where his used to be.
But Abe wasn’t much of a deal-maker, even though . . . wasn’t he Jewish? Abe, sounds Jewish, but still he never knew how to make any money. What would he have retired on if he hadn’t been murdered by, I think it was a Democrat, probably? He was sort of asking for it, and where was the Secret Service. Deep state.
If I’d been president we wouldn’t have needed a civil war — we’d have made a deal. Like, you guys keep your slaves, and you promise to give them a break. But no affirmative action.
And look what a mess Lincoln left things in. By the end of his second term, the country was in shambles. Tara burned down and poor Mammy left wandering on her own. Inflation, high taxes. Crime out of control. No respect for cops. America sure wasn’t great when he left office! And giving the ex-slaves the right to vote. Look how badly that’s turned out, millions of the them working full-time on voter fraud. No wonder I wouldn’t rent to them.
There was a lot of American carnage right here, almost as bad as under Obama, but I promise you that when I’m reelected, we’re going to make America much greater than Lincoln did. Thank you, America.
